Senseless Violence
by Dragonflyr
Summary: A total crack fic. Just completely random stuff that you hopefully find as funny as I do. Please R&R.
1. Death to the Fan Girl

Alright people, this is a crack fic. I haven't written one in years and I really need to write one now, just for my own enjoyment purposes but hopefully for yours too. The chapters will all be short stories and will be completely random. This first one is only about a hundred words but some will be longer. Let's not even pretend that the characters will be in character because they most likely won't be. I'd like to apologize in advance for anyone who feels offense or that I'm offending Tolken or anything through this. I assure that isn't my intention, I'm just bored and I need to unwind.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Lord of the Rings or anything else I might mention.

**Randomness the first: Death to the Fan Girl**

Legolas walked coolly through the dank dungeon-like passages of Helms Deep with Gimily at his side. Just as he was about to ascend the stone steps to take his place on the wall a young blonde woman threw herself at him, wrapping her arms securely around his neck.

"Legolas, OMG! I totally luv U!"

Suddenly she fell backwards with a bloody arrow protruding from her forehead. Gimli stared in shock.

"Legolas! WT—" Gimli cut himself off as Legolas turned towards him, knocking another arrow.

"So help me, finish that acronym and you will be next." Gimli nodded his understanding and together they stepped over the girl and began climbing the stairs.


	2. I'll Precious You!

I especially like this one.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Lord of the Rings.

**Randomness the second: "I'll Precious You!"**

Sam staggered to his feet on the rocky side of Mount Doom and turned to face the crouching creature that had attacked him.

"Stupid, fat hobbitsess, precious!" Golem growled.

"I'll precious you!" Sam roared, anger clouding his senses until he was barely aware of what he was saying. Golem donned a bewildered expression and suddenly straightened his spine, standing up ramrod straight. Thin bony arms crossed over a chest of taunt skin stretched over a bony ribcage. In a thick British accent he asked "You'll precious me? And what preciously does that even mean, you obese glutton?" Sam blinked.

"It means shut up and die!" he yelled, swinging his sword and lobbing Golem's head clean off.

"This never happened in the book" the severed head complained in its British accent as it bounced down the mountain side.

"Yeah, join the club," Sam spat as he turned and scrambled up the mountain.


	3. We're Not In Wherever We Were Anymore

This one begins Merry and Pippin's very random adventures. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Lord of the Rings or The Wizard of Oz or Alice and Wonderland or The Gingerbread Man.

**Randomness the third: We're Not In Wherever We Were Anymore" **

"Hey Pip. Pip, wake up!" Pippin awoke to the sound of his cousin's voice. Yawning he sat up and found himself sitting in the middle of a road made of yellow brick. Grassy meadows stretched endlessly on either side.

"Where are we?" he inquired, taking the hand Merry offered and standing up.

"I don't know anymore than you, Pip. I only just woke up myself," Merry shrugged.

"I don't know about you," Pippin began, "but I think I remember how we got here."

"Really and how is that?" Merry asked.

"Well…I remember I was hungry and then I smelled gingerbread and that made me even hungrier and I looked up and there was a man standing there, a man made of gingerbread! So we started chasing him, you know to eat him, but he was really fast and he kept calling over his shoulder 'You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man'!" And then he ran down a rabbit whole and he chased him and then I don't remember anything until you woke me up."

Merry stared at Pippin for a moment. "I think you need to lay off the pipeweed, Pip."


	4. We're Not Munchkins!

More Merry and Pippin adventures!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Lord of the Rings or The Wizard of Oz.

**Randomness the fourth: We're Not Munchkins!**

Merry and Pippin had been walking down the road they had woken up on for some time when they saw someone walking ahead of them in the distance. Breaking into a run they both began waving their arms and shouting. Eventually the person heard them and turned around to reveal that she was a girl in a blue dress with ruby red slippers and a small black dog. The dog began barking immediately.

"Oh, are you munchkins?" the girl asked politely. Pippin turned to Merry in confusion.

"What's a munchkin?" he asked.

"I don't know" Merry said and then turned to the girl, "but we're not munchkin's, we're hobbits. Do you know where we are?"

"Oh, are you not from here either?" the girl asked.

"No, we're from The Shire," Pippin stated proudly.

"Well, I'm Dorothy and I'm from Kansas," she said, "and this is my dog Toto. This is the land of Oz. I was brought here by a tornado."

"I'm Merry and this is my cousin Pippin," Merry introduced them, "and I'm not sure how we got here."

"Well I'm going to see the wizard to see if he can send me home. You can come too if you like." The hobbits looked at each other and shrugged.

"Alright," they said together. They began walking and Pippin couldn't help but notice the way the sun sparkled off Dorothy's shoes.

"Those are some very pretty shoes," he commented.

"Why thank you," Dorothy smiled. "I got them from the witch my house fell on." Pippin paled.

"Merry," he whispered, "did you hear that? She killed someone _with her house_!"

Merry just shrugged. "Eh, we've traveled with worse."


	5. Elf Public Service Announcement

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Lord of the Rings but I would like the elf, unless you know Santa wants it back or something.

**Randomness the fifth: Elf Public Service Announcement**

Legolas stood alone against a blue backdrop as he began to speak into the camera. "I would like to take a minute to address these atrocious rumors I have heard of small, hobbit-sized elves who work as slaves for a fat man in a red coat at something called the North Pole. These vicious lies are an insult to myself and my people who—"

"Hey, who are you calling an 'atrocious rumor' huh?" Legolas turned to see a small North Pole elf with a pointed green hat and pointed red shoes. "And what's a hobbit?"

"It's like a munchkin," Legolas offered weakly, his head swimming in a minor state of shock as he struggled to believe that these miniature elves actually exist.

"So we're short, so what?" the elf fumed. "Did you ever think maybe it's because of the extreme cold in the North Pole? Well, did you ever consider that?"

"Is it because of the extreme cold?" Legolas asked.

The elf shrugged. "Beats me. Either that or all the caffeine we drink to keep working twenty-four hours a day, three hundred and sixty-four days a year for the Fat Man. And let me tell you, he's a slave driver. He's gotta be violating some labor laws somewhere. Ever notice how close the word "Santa" is to "Satan"? There's a reason for that. See—hey! Where'd you go?"

The elf looked around and, discovering that Legolas had fled for his sanity, turned back to the camera. "We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."


	6. Are We There Yet?

Yay, a long one!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Lord of the Rings, The Wizard of Oz, or Courage the Cowardly Dog.

**Randomness the sixth: Are We There Yet?**

Back in the land of Oz, located in central Bad Acid Trip County just west of Nowhere, Kansas (7,524,962 Courage the Cowardly Dog fans just got that one), our two hopelessly lost hobbits have expanded their traveling party. This of course was not their decision but rather Dorothy's, who seemed incapable of turning people away. Merry and Pippin could only imagine the kind of trouble she must get herself into with door-to-door salesmen. The new additions to the group really wouldn't have been so bad had not all of them insisted on introducing themselves and their various disabilities in song.

The first, a scarecrow, claimed he was missing his brain despite his uncanny ability to adlib an entire musical number complete with some rather complicated tumbling choreography. Though they did not voice their feelings to the Kansas girl, both hobbits felt the scarecrow was more than smart enough, at least compared to Dorothy anyway, and failed to see the reasoning behind dragging the animated straw with them.

The next rustically rusty traveler was a tin woodsman. After half a gallon of oil had seeped into his joints the tin man, able to move once more, burst into yet another song and danced a stiff little jig lamenting his absence of a heart. Merry and Pippin not only felt that such a state could offer certain advantages, but also agreed that anyone who was as much of a crybaby as the tin man must have a heart already.

The final oddity Dorothy had extended an invitation to had been a lion. Neither Merry not Pippin were very scared when the others began half-singing their fears of being attacked by said feline in the woods and the hobbits were not disappointed when all it took was a light tap on the nose from one of Dorothy's pale soft hands to subdue the beast. However, despite his faults, Merry and Pippin both rather liked the lion because he provided the group with a sense of comic relief and the two of them were actually growing sick of being the primary suppliers of that.

After walking through the dark woods for hours the group finally emerged into the sunlight. Pippin surveyed their strange group in the light and sighed.

"I have to admit, Merry, this is a little disturbing, even for us," he said.

"Look on the bright side," Merry offered, "at least no one has died yet." At that moment a green-skinned woman in black appeared with a screech and a puff of smoke. With some vague threats and a wave of her hand one of the scarecrow's arms burst into flame. She gave a cackling laugh and disappeared as the others attempted to stamp the smoldering scarecrow out. Pippin turned to look at Merry.

"Shut up," Merry grumbled.


	7. Elf Public Service Announcement Take 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter

**Randomness the seventh: Elf Public Service Announcement Take 2**

Legolas stands once more against the blue backdrop and speaks again into the camera. "Yet another vicious elf rumor has come to my attention that I would like to take this opportunity to set it straight. These latest rumors of small Golem-ish creatures who serve men as slaves are a horrible blow to the pride and reputation of elves."

"I am afraid these are not rumors but horrible facts," a young girl around the age of 15 says solemnly as she walks out to join Legolas in front of the camera.

"Who the hell are you?" the blonde elf asks.

"I am Hermione Granger, founder of the Society for the Promotion of Elf Welfare," she replies.

"Um, that is nice of you, but I was only trying to clear up some rumors. I believe we elves can handle ourselves."

"Harry and Ron told me that too," Hermione says, "but let me assure you, my help is necessary."

"Listen," Legolas says, somewhat insulted, "elves do not require the aid of a small girl for their welfare. We can take care of ourselves!"

"I'll have you know that I am not a girl, I am a witch!" Hermione declares. Whipping out her wand she pints it at Legolas and shouts "Amphibious Hoppious!" Legolas disappears behind a puff of smoke and reappears as a small green frog. The frog croaks and then mournfully hops away.

"Now then," Hermione turns back the camera smiling. "Please send your donations to S.P.E.W. at 567-9748. Operators are standing by. The first 100 callers receive a free T-shirt!"


End file.
